Outside, always looking in.

The anti-climax after finishing a test; everything is eerie and quiet and the words will not come to me. A thousand thoughts in my head, but no means to get them out. I find myself walking alone and contemplating everything I have ever done right or wrong, silently judging and praising and rethinking. I find myself jealous of all the people who … just are … – the masses of people who walk back and forth from work to home to work to friends, not thinking about the posture of their bodies, not thinking about the vast massiveness of things there is yet to learn. The people who do not plan what they will say in their next conversation, the people who get pleasantly surprised from being pleasantly surprised. I feel like my life is a fixer-upper-project, I am like one of  those old apartments that you will spend a lifetime renovating. Once you are done panting one room, a pipe leaks, one you are done fixing the pipe, you changed your mind about the color of the room you just painted. And so it goes, day after day, trying to reinvent oneself to the best of one’s ability.

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  1. Someone says:

    Great post! Somehow you managed to describe exactly how I feel for many years.

    > I find myself jealous of all the people who … just are … – the masses of people who walk back
    > and forth from work to home to work to friends, not thinking about the posture of their
    > bodies, not thinking about the vast massiveness of things there is yet to learn.

    I also often envy people that lead a perfectly normal life, without always planing and reaching
    for that one goal, for years, that always seems just a little out of reach. Always longing for this dream, maybe the longing brought too much suffering already, maybe it is not worth it.
    Maybe we would be happier with less possibilities and choices.

    The redesign process just never stops…

    • Sushi Bird says:

      You are right about that… There is always something to improve on. For the most part, this is a good thing, it is better than getting stuck, no?

  2. Someone says:

    > For the most part, this is a good thing, it is better than getting stuck, no?
    Absolutely! But it also creates some kind of preassure, or longing. It is something that I feel most people don’t experience. Which makes theis lifes simpler, and maybe more content. Even more happy?
    Getting stuck in a comfort zone may not be the worst thing. If you can find your comfort zone in the first place. Which is something I’m not very good at, it seems, so it all starts anew. :)

    • Sushi Bird says:

      I think we totally agree on this. I have never really experienced enough comfort to get stuck for a long period of time.